BLOGMAS DAY FIFTEEN: I Don’t Think Time is Real, Yet I Have Time Anxiety

blogmas 2020

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

I’m a realist, and I don’t believe that time is real. It’s a social construct that we all agree to abide by as a society to better understand this world we live in.

Yet, I have time anxiety.

Some will say that since you have anxiety over it, it must exist, and that could be true, but I also think that it’s the society in which we live. We are always on edge about not having enough time to do anything; it’s just second nature to us.

I noticed that we leave important tasks and fun activities for the days we are off work, and I believe that is because of the time anxiety we all have.

I started putting in longer hours at my job and noticed myself waiting until my days off to get things done, but this is not how you should live your life.

Leaving everything to your days off doesn’t help you rest on your off days. All of the essential tasks should be done in intervals instead of all at once. And this applies to the fun things too.

Just imagine the time you spend on social media scrolling endlessly. Before you know it 20-30mins go by, and you could have watched an episode of an anime.

If you are into anime, I am. I love it. Anyways.

If we all took the time to do the things we loved during our busy days, we wouldn’t have time anxiety.

Therefore your relationship with time will become healthier. If you wanna do something, do it, and don’t wait until you have “time” to do it. We always have time because it’s not real.

BLOGMAS DAY FOURTEEN: Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Monday, December 14, 2020

Imposter syndrome is something that I just recently discovered. It is a phenomenon in which you feel like a fraud. You feel like you can’t do anything because you don’t know anything.

“A psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments.” – Psychology Today

The first time I felt like this was in college.

In college, I always wondered why they accepted me. I was not as good as everyone else; I was not as talented as they were. I felt out of place.

It only got worse as I started applying to jobs.

I see job descriptions and immediately determine I am not qualified for the job because I don’t think I know anything.

I never felt like I accomplish anything in college. I graduate, and EVERYONE is congratulating me. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I didn’t achieve anything.

But in time, I learned that I had achieved so much, and I am cable of these things; I need to stop comparing myself to others, which is easier said than done.

BLOGMAS DAY THIRTEEN: I Graduated From College One Year Ago

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Sunday, December 13, 2020

It’s been one year since I graduated from college.

I will give a slight trigger warning for intense mental health depictions. I want to be honest with this and not hold back too much since writing has been a very therapeutic outlet.

On Friday, December 13, 2019, I graduated from college with my Bachelor’s degree in Media Studies and Production. Since then, a lot of things have happened in my life. But if you told last year me where I would be today, I would be angry and disappointed in myself. But I am very proud of how far I have come this year as this was a very life-changing year for me.

When 2020 first started, I found myself out of school for the first time in 18 years. I was unemployed and very unsure and unmotivated about my future. Then COVID happened, and it forced me to reflect on my life, and I was able to put many things into perspective.

I would be lying if I said I was happy with how my life is at the moment. I have applied to over 200 jobs hearing back from only a handful, but always hearing back from the unpaid internships I apply to.

Right now, I don’t know what I want to do. I am paying my insanely high student loan bills with a part-time job, and a full-time job in New York City is looking more unrealistic as each day passes.

As frustrating as this all is, I am in a better mental state than I was this time last year.

When I graduated from college, I found no point in life. Living after December 2019 seemed pointless since I had no job lined up, and I would be at home on the couch doing nothing. I was a failure, I could not get an internship in college, and now I’m out of college, and I don’t have a job lined up. I felt like I screwed myself over.

I have concluded that my life is not going to be like others. I am a late bloomer, and 2020 helped me figure out how the world worked since I was basically sheltered from it for 18 years.

In college, they always talk about when you get a job this, and when you start your career that, but they never talked about how long it may take for you to get that job.

Why is it that when I was in college, I couldn’t get one internship after trying for two years, but the second I graduate, I was able to get three, and then I have a hard time balancing them because I am doing long hours at a job I need to make a living?

No one explained that just because you have an internship, it does not mean that you will find a job.

I feel like college lies to you. When you are an impressionable teen fresh out of high school, these college administrators are all too glad to tell you about how this college employed x amount of people after graduating and will make sure you get an internship.

I had the most challenging time getting an internship in college because I had to teach myself Adobe Premiere Pro and Final Cut on my own. Some internship counselors are no help at all. They would scold you for not knowing how to create a resume or find internships, even though they are the ones that are supposed to be helping you.

Right now, I am thinking about a career change. I have had big dreams of working for various companies, but I want to make a movie independently, and I also want to travel the world and make travel vlogs.

I also want to make documentaries, and docuseries like This is Life by Lisa Ling.

I wish I knew this in college because I would have been able to take advantage of various opportunities, but as I said, I was a late bloomer.

BTS’s Class of 2020 Graduation speech brings me extreme comfort when I start to think about the future. I connect with Jin’s words the most. (Translation from @doyou_bangtan on twitter) Link to original tweet

“Sometimes, I’d feel restless, watching my friends go on far ahead of me. And attempting to keep up with their speed would only leave me breathless. I soon realised that their pace was not my own. What held me together during those times was a promise I made with myself: “to take it slow.” I’d go at my own pace, steadily. From then on, it became a habit of mine to take extra time for myself.

If any of you feels lost in the face of doubt or uncertainty, or the pressure of starting anew, don’t rush. Take a deep breath. You may find that any moment can be turned into an opportunity. Allow yourself to take it easy. Take it one step at a time. You might discover the important things you were missing, and they will reach out to you.”

BTS’s Kim SeokJin

BLOGMAS DAY TWELVE: One Week With iPhone 12 Pro

blogmas 2020

Saturday, December 12, 2020

I have been an iPhone owner for one week, and so far, I love it. The photo quality is fantastic. I have never owned a phone that is capable of such quality. I took some low-light photos, and I could not believe the image quality. The image was not grainy at all. I can’t wait to take night shots of the moon.

As for IOS, I love it. It is super user friendly. The apps look nicer on the iPhone, as I read that apps are optimized for IOS first, so developers put more time and effort into it than the Andriod counterparts. 

I am currently using it with a galaxy watch because all of the apple watches are on backorder, and it works well. 

Do I miss my Andriod? Of course I do. Would I go back? Not anytime soon.

BLOGMAS DAY ELEVEN: Video Games Helped Me Develop Problem-Solving Skills.

blogmas 2020, Mental Health, Video Games

Friday, December 11, 2020

Video games helped me develop my problem-solving skills. 

I am still a relatively new gamer, and it has helped me with my problem-solving skills. Before I started gaming, I would refuse to do anything that required me to think more than I had to. I would do the bare minimum instead of figuring out how to do something to its fullest extent.

Then I bought Marvel’s Avengers and was forced to figure out how to read the map, defeat enemies quickly and efficiently, and gather resources to survive in the world. 

These skills quickly helped me in real life as I used them while interning, and it helped me figure out how to quickly fix an edit or help a fellow intern with a problem. 

Growing up, all of the adults told us how video games were terrible for us. It would make us violent; It would rot our brains. 

I have played video games for three months now, and I have seen improvements in my life skills and mental health.

BLOGMAS DAY TEN: We Have to Talk About HBO Max

blogmas 2020, Thoughts & Takeaways

Thursday, December 10, 2020

The streaming movies vs. putting them in the theaters debate is giving me a big headache.

I love that Warner Bros is going to release their entire 2021 movie slate on HBO MAX. It is such a relief for me. I do not feel one ounce of safety while going to the movie theaters. I see how people are when I go to the store. It is overcrowded, no one is social distancing, and people are either not wearing their masks or not wearing their masks properly.

I think that it is insane to believe that people will actually have their masks on the entire duration of a movie and only remove it to eat and drink. 

I applaud Warner Bros for doing this. Honestly, this is going to be the future of movies. 

Yes, I know that some people will argue that watching a movie in your house will never be the same as watching it in the theaters with the bigger screen and surround sound and trust me, I agree. Not many people have cinema-quality home theaters. But it’s the convenience that outweighs the lower quality for me.

Wouldnt expect a film major to say this, would you?

I watch films for the story. The same reason why I play certain video games over others, and I also play them on easy mode. I do it for the story. I didn’t even see some of my favorite films in theaters. I watched it on an HD TV or even on my MacBook. It never bothered me. 

I love the option of purchasing the movie (Or, in this case subscribing to HBO MAX) and watching the movie whenever I want to. I can pause it to use the restroom and get more snacks, and I can also rewind it if I missed something. 

I can also put the subtitles on!

It’s just an all-around better option for me.

BLOGMAS DAY NINE: I Was a People Pleaser. TikTok Helped Me.

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

I was thinking about how I am a completely different person than I was earlier this year. I feel like I grew into myself and coming into my final form. Quarantine forced me to confront things that I have been avoiding my entire life, and I understood why I felt a certain way about certain things and why I acted the way I did.

I concluded that I was a people pleaser. 

I didn’t have a personality or thoughts of my own because I was too busy trying to please others to get them to like me. I liked what other people wanted, even though I knew I didn’t care for it. I did things that I hated, but I knew that it would get others to like me. I never disagreed with anyone because I wanted them to like me, definitely not how you are supposed to navigate life. 

I was exhausted. I wasn’t my true authentic self. And oddly enough, TikTok helped me figure this out.

That app allowed me to see others with the same problems I was having, which made me reflect on my life. 

Everything makes sense now. 

I can finally start being my true authentic self because TikTok helped me destroy the person I used to be and build a better version of myself.

BLOGMAS DAY EIGHT: I am Obsessed with Persona 5 Royal

blogmas 2020, Thoughts & Takeaways, Video Games

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

I am a responsible adult, so I naturally spent a few hours playing video games, and shocker, I want to talk about Persona 5 Royal again. 

First of all, the concept is brilliant. Everyone wears a mask on their heart to protect themselves, but once they face their demons, the mask is removed, and they become their true self.

God, that is just so good.

The whole concept that a palace is essentially an alternate state of reality. In this reality, you see how the palace owner views the world.

Kamoshida’s Palace is the first one you encounter in the game, so I will use that as an example. 

In real life, this man is a perverted psychopath that abuses the students. He views the male students as literal punching bags and the female students as sexual objects, and this is evident as you travel through his Palace, a castle in the same location as the school. He thinks that he is the King of the school and can do whatever he wants.

The concept is just so well thought out. I’m in love.

BLOGMAS DAY SEVEN: I Started Playing Persona 5 Royal

blogmas 2020, Video Games

Monday December 7, 2020

I watched persona 5 the animation, and I loved it, so I wanted to play the game, and it is so different than the anime. 

The game is at a much slower pace, which I love. It explains everything, and you quickly grow attached to the characters. 

The animation is fast-paced, and some scenes don’t make sense unless you played the game. 

So far, I love everything about it, and I can’t wait to sink more hours into this game.

BLOGMAS DAY SIX: First Photos With iPhone 12 Pro!

blogmas 2020

Sunday, December 6, 2020

I tested out the iPhone 12 Pro camera, and oh man, I thought I was shooting with a DSLR.

These photos are unedited.

Still waiting on Apple to release their ProRaw photo format. I shoot RAW and prefer to edit with that level of control I have with RAW files.