BLOGMAS DAY FOURTEEN: Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Monday, December 14, 2020

Imposter syndrome is something that I just recently discovered. It is a phenomenon in which you feel like a fraud. You feel like you can’t do anything because you don’t know anything.

“A psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments.” – Psychology Today

The first time I felt like this was in college.

In college, I always wondered why they accepted me. I was not as good as everyone else; I was not as talented as they were. I felt out of place.

It only got worse as I started applying to jobs.

I see job descriptions and immediately determine I am not qualified for the job because I don’t think I know anything.

I never felt like I accomplish anything in college. I graduate, and EVERYONE is congratulating me. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I didn’t achieve anything.

But in time, I learned that I had achieved so much, and I am cable of these things; I need to stop comparing myself to others, which is easier said than done.

BLOGMAS DAY THIRTEEN: I Graduated From College One Year Ago

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Sunday, December 13, 2020

It’s been one year since I graduated from college.

I will give a slight trigger warning for intense mental health depictions. I want to be honest with this and not hold back too much since writing has been a very therapeutic outlet.

On Friday, December 13, 2019, I graduated from college with my Bachelor’s degree in Media Studies and Production. Since then, a lot of things have happened in my life. But if you told last year me where I would be today, I would be angry and disappointed in myself. But I am very proud of how far I have come this year as this was a very life-changing year for me.

When 2020 first started, I found myself out of school for the first time in 18 years. I was unemployed and very unsure and unmotivated about my future. Then COVID happened, and it forced me to reflect on my life, and I was able to put many things into perspective.

I would be lying if I said I was happy with how my life is at the moment. I have applied to over 200 jobs hearing back from only a handful, but always hearing back from the unpaid internships I apply to.

Right now, I don’t know what I want to do. I am paying my insanely high student loan bills with a part-time job, and a full-time job in New York City is looking more unrealistic as each day passes.

As frustrating as this all is, I am in a better mental state than I was this time last year.

When I graduated from college, I found no point in life. Living after December 2019 seemed pointless since I had no job lined up, and I would be at home on the couch doing nothing. I was a failure, I could not get an internship in college, and now I’m out of college, and I don’t have a job lined up. I felt like I screwed myself over.

I have concluded that my life is not going to be like others. I am a late bloomer, and 2020 helped me figure out how the world worked since I was basically sheltered from it for 18 years.

In college, they always talk about when you get a job this, and when you start your career that, but they never talked about how long it may take for you to get that job.

Why is it that when I was in college, I couldn’t get one internship after trying for two years, but the second I graduate, I was able to get three, and then I have a hard time balancing them because I am doing long hours at a job I need to make a living?

No one explained that just because you have an internship, it does not mean that you will find a job.

I feel like college lies to you. When you are an impressionable teen fresh out of high school, these college administrators are all too glad to tell you about how this college employed x amount of people after graduating and will make sure you get an internship.

I had the most challenging time getting an internship in college because I had to teach myself Adobe Premiere Pro and Final Cut on my own. Some internship counselors are no help at all. They would scold you for not knowing how to create a resume or find internships, even though they are the ones that are supposed to be helping you.

Right now, I am thinking about a career change. I have had big dreams of working for various companies, but I want to make a movie independently, and I also want to travel the world and make travel vlogs.

I also want to make documentaries, and docuseries like This is Life by Lisa Ling.

I wish I knew this in college because I would have been able to take advantage of various opportunities, but as I said, I was a late bloomer.

BTS’s Class of 2020 Graduation speech brings me extreme comfort when I start to think about the future. I connect with Jin’s words the most. (Translation from @doyou_bangtan on twitter) Link to original tweet

“Sometimes, I’d feel restless, watching my friends go on far ahead of me. And attempting to keep up with their speed would only leave me breathless. I soon realised that their pace was not my own. What held me together during those times was a promise I made with myself: “to take it slow.” I’d go at my own pace, steadily. From then on, it became a habit of mine to take extra time for myself.

If any of you feels lost in the face of doubt or uncertainty, or the pressure of starting anew, don’t rush. Take a deep breath. You may find that any moment can be turned into an opportunity. Allow yourself to take it easy. Take it one step at a time. You might discover the important things you were missing, and they will reach out to you.”

BTS’s Kim SeokJin

BLOGMAS DAY ELEVEN: Video Games Helped Me Develop Problem-Solving Skills.

blogmas 2020, Mental Health, Video Games

Friday, December 11, 2020

Video games helped me develop my problem-solving skills. 

I am still a relatively new gamer, and it has helped me with my problem-solving skills. Before I started gaming, I would refuse to do anything that required me to think more than I had to. I would do the bare minimum instead of figuring out how to do something to its fullest extent.

Then I bought Marvel’s Avengers and was forced to figure out how to read the map, defeat enemies quickly and efficiently, and gather resources to survive in the world. 

These skills quickly helped me in real life as I used them while interning, and it helped me figure out how to quickly fix an edit or help a fellow intern with a problem. 

Growing up, all of the adults told us how video games were terrible for us. It would make us violent; It would rot our brains. 

I have played video games for three months now, and I have seen improvements in my life skills and mental health.

BLOGMAS DAY NINE: I Was a People Pleaser. TikTok Helped Me.

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

I was thinking about how I am a completely different person than I was earlier this year. I feel like I grew into myself and coming into my final form. Quarantine forced me to confront things that I have been avoiding my entire life, and I understood why I felt a certain way about certain things and why I acted the way I did.

I concluded that I was a people pleaser. 

I didn’t have a personality or thoughts of my own because I was too busy trying to please others to get them to like me. I liked what other people wanted, even though I knew I didn’t care for it. I did things that I hated, but I knew that it would get others to like me. I never disagreed with anyone because I wanted them to like me, definitely not how you are supposed to navigate life. 

I was exhausted. I wasn’t my true authentic self. And oddly enough, TikTok helped me figure this out.

That app allowed me to see others with the same problems I was having, which made me reflect on my life. 

Everything makes sense now. 

I can finally start being my true authentic self because TikTok helped me destroy the person I used to be and build a better version of myself.

BLOGMAS DAY THREE: Jobs, Internships, & Mental Health

blogmas 2020, Mental Health

Thursday, December 3, 2020

My coworker and I were discussing jobs. I work on average 30 hours a week and pays the bills, but I still feel like a failure. 

It’s a job that’s not in my field, it’s a part-time job, and I have no internship right now. 

I just finished an internship, and I feel like I’m just here… I’m not doing anything.

I did some reading about internships, and I think those thoughts are reserved for a separate post in the future, but I think that my time interning has come to an end since I am now working damn near full-time hours. 

I am using this time to get back into my writing and adding to my online portfolio and online presence. It’s hard, but I am trying, yet I still feel like a failure. 

I feel relieved that I don’t have to dedicate the limited time I have to an internship. It was messing with my mental health. I wasn’t sleeping much, and my anxiety worsened. It was also not fair to the company I was interning for. I didn’t have the time to commit to the obligations of the internship properly.

But I am trying to have a positive mindset about this.

I am excited to get back into my passions that have been on hold since September. My goal was to put out a video once a month, but the motivation was no longer there. I hope to get another one up this month as I am trying to work through numbness symptoms relating to depression. 

I read that when you feel numb, you should watch something that makes you feel any emotion. So in my free time, I have been catching up on the Mandalorian, and I started playing Persona 5 Royal.